In life and especially in romantic relationships, a person either adds value by having skills or traits you deem useful, or they drain you by needing your skills and traits to fill their void. The idea is to have a balance of give and take, but very often this balance is so far off that one person is being completely exploited while the other can becomes entitled and toxic. Sometimes this dynamic is created over time by a lack of boundaries, communication, or one person having low self-esteem; other times it is the master plan of the dominate person who seeks out an individual they know they can control. That dominate person being a no-go.
This week, we are calling those people to the carpet; and there are at least four types we see more often than we think and some of us even date them. Most of these personality types, if not all, usually develop from experiencing trauma in childhood or abandonment. This is important to know because it adds context to their issues, but it does not excuse them from their actions, and most definitely does not remove them from the list of types you absolutely should NOT date.
The first is the Narcissist: if you have been keeping up with the N.A.P.S series, you know this is typically someone arrogant, entitled, and who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance. This person needs all of the attention and admiration; he has the emotional intelligence of a child. He throws tantrums when he does not get his way, or feels even a little embarrassed which can turn into drama if that person doesn’t know how to communicate. The narcissist also made the list because he lacks compassion and empathy which makes it really difficult to love someone. Someone who has many narcissistic traits is never going to put you first (unless it is to manipulate you) he will always act in his own interest.
Next is the Borderline Personality (BPD): he is unique because only one in every four people with BPD is a man. Most are women, but there are many men who have these traits as well. The guy who threatens to kill himself if you leave him, punches the wall and harms himself when he gets frustrated, and has a pattern of intense and unstable relationships has BPD. He was probably neglected as child. People with BPD try to control everything to overcompensate the lack of control they had in their past. One thing they can not control, however, is their anger; their anger is often out of proportion to what triggered it and they might be a fighter depending on the person. Beyond all of that, BPD is on the list because of the way the person views people; for them you are either God or the devil. People with BPD feel intense closeness toward a person and places them on a pedestal. This can quickly and unpredictably change to intense anger toward you, if you make him feel rejected in any way, then you are evil and don’t care. It will go back and forth based on his emotions and level of control at the time.
The third type you absolutely should not date is the Paranoid person. Paranoid Personality Disorder may manifest from untreated PTSD which can create distrust and suspiciousness of others after going through a terrible experience. If you know someone who has extreme paranoia, they need help fast. It can actually turn into delusional thoughts that will convince a person to go harm someone or do some real extra sh*t, thinking they are protecting themselves or their relationship. This type is always accusing you of cheating when you definitely aren’t. He is not open or vulnerable in relationships because he has “trust issues.” You may date him for months and still not know anything substantial about him. If anything is just a little bit off to him he will automatically think you are lying or plotting against him, and he is unforgiving; so if you did anything against him in the past, he will hold it over your head until the end of time. The dangerous part of it all is the paranoid personality operates outside of logic; their paranoia is often unjustified you find yourself spending a lot of time trying to use logic to prove you are loyal and you will still be accused time after time.
Lastly, Sociopathic personalities which sound so obvious and you would think ‘duh, I’m not going to date a killer’ but sociopaths are not always the guy in the white van looking to kidnap someone unsuspecting. Sociopaths are almost always narcissist (but narcissist are not necessarily sociopaths). Like the narcissist they start out romantic and loving and then turn controlling, selfish, disingenuous, dishonest and have exaggerated positive self-images. However, the Sociopath is not driven by his ego and emotion. He is very strategic so his manipulation techniques are superior. Sociopaths do not flex like the narcissist so they are not as easy to recognize, but they are by far the worst of them all. They plot abuse ahead of time and do anything to make you seem like the bad one, the insecure one, or say you’re dramatic when you call them out. They lack accountability so everyone else is always the “crazy,” but not them.